An Unexpected Apology
What does it take to live a flourishing life?
I recently received an apology from someone who’d said unkind things about me behind my back and who’d treated me with condescension and contempt for a period of time 15 years ago. I was an art world newbie who’d crashed the party. I didn’t have any traditional art training beyond two art history courses in college and a lifelong passion for the arts. I could see why she was skeptical. She’d seen many art enthusiasts come and go. Who was to say I’d stick around and actually contribute anything noteworthy.
We’ve circled around each other over the years, but I’d put distance between us long ago and stopped worrying (most of the time) what anyone thought of me. She’d dented my self-esteem. But not enough to paralyze me. Instead, I made my own parties. I went off the beaten path and made the most of places few others were paying attention to.
This wasn’t the first, nor the last, time I’d gone my own way. In my high school, the cheerleaders used to sell carnations as a fundraiser. Students could buy a flower for a friend or romantic interest. On football or basketball game days, the cheerleaders would deliver the flowers to the recipients during the morning homeroom with a note attached from the giver, often anonymous. As president of the History Club, I organized the first ever sale of dead flowers, which we delivered on Valentine’s Day. A local florist agreed to give me all their dead flowers for free so it was pure profit! Some people thought it was weird. Who would want dead flowers, they said. We made a little money the first year. We made a lot more money the second year. The history nerds would never be able to outsell the cheerleaders, but we did okay.
I learned early on that I’d have to forge my own path. As a Hybrid American who never fit squarely in any category, I lived and thrived in these in-between spaces. I have gerrymandered spaces for myself in which I can flourish, where I can question the ways in which things have always been done. I have changed and grown incrementally in this space.
It has been this spirit of experimenting that has made me the person I am today, someone who’s more open than average to multiple viewpoints and to growing from my mistakes and adapting accordingly. If I’d been part of the cheerleading crowd, if I’d listened to folks who’d felt threatened by a new idea, I would be a much different person today.
I have made plenty of mistakes, especially in those early years, as I innovated and experimented. I have stepped on some toes along the way. I deserved some criticism. I paid attention to the critics I respected and ignored the rest. I tried to learn from my mistakes, sometimes making the same mistake twice before learning the lesson.
I’m no radical. I’m no revolutionary. I feel compelled to experiment and try new things, though. The new things always evolved from the preceding things and there has always been a continuous thruline in everything I have ever done: bringing people together in meaningful conversation and relationship building. I couldn’t have predicted or planned this winding path for myself.
I wasn’t prepared for the apology. My M.O. in the face of adversity has always been to pretend their words can’t wound me. Pretend they don’t matter enough to hurt me. Pretend they have no power over me.
But I do care. Not because of a bruised ego or a long-held grudge. I care because we live in community with each other. We are fellow humans trying to make a difference in the world and doing the best we can at that. We flourish when we care about each other. When we see each other. I felt seen by this apology.
I wish for everyone to have a space to flourish as I have had. I wish for us to help each other make that space for ourselves. I wish for that space to be big enough for an apology.
